Building a Covenant Marriage: What It Means to Cleave

The word "cleave" in Genesis 2:24 carries profound weight. It means to hold fast, to cling, to be united. In the context of marriage, cleaving represents an unbreakable bond, a commitment that transcends feelings, circumstances, and challenges. Understanding what it means to cleave is essential for building a marriage that endures and thrives.

The Nature of Covenant

Modern culture often views marriage as a contract—an agreement that can be renegotiated or dissolved when terms aren't met. But biblical marriage is a covenant, which is fundamentally different.

A contract says, "I'll do this if you do that." A covenant says, "I'll do this regardless of what you do." A contract is based on conditions. A covenant is based on commitment.

Covenant marriage means:

- Choosing your spouse daily, not just on your wedding day

- Committing to the relationship even when feelings fluctuate

- Working through problems rather than walking away

- Viewing challenges as opportunities to strengthen the bond

- Understanding that love is an action, not just an emotion

The Choice to Cleave

Cleaving begins with a decision, but it's maintained through countless daily choices. Every day you choose:

- To prioritize your spouse over personal preferences

- To communicate rather than withdraw

- To forgive rather than hold grudges

- To invest in the relationship rather than take it for granted

- To grow together rather than grow apart

These choices, made consistently over time, create an unbreakable bond. They transform marriage from a legal arrangement into a sacred covenant.

Emotional Cleaving

Cleaving involves emotional connection—creating a safe space where both spouses can be fully known and fully loved. This requires:

Vulnerability

True intimacy requires opening your heart, sharing your fears, dreams, and struggles. This vulnerability feels risky, but it's essential for deep connection. When both spouses choose vulnerability, trust deepens and emotional bonds strengthen.

Empathy

Understanding your spouse's perspective, even when you disagree, creates connection. Empathy doesn't require agreement—it requires understanding. It says, "I see you, I hear you, and your feelings matter to me."

Consistent Presence

Emotional cleaving requires showing up—not just physically, but emotionally. Put down your phone. Make eye contact. Listen fully. Be present in the small moments that create the fabric of your relationship.

Physical Cleaving

Physical intimacy is part of cleaving, but it encompasses far more than sex. It includes:

- Regular affection—hugs, kisses, holding hands

- Non-sexual touch—a hand on the shoulder, a back rub

- Physical presence—choosing to be together

- Protecting the marriage bed—maintaining exclusivity and intimacy

Physical cleaving creates connection and reinforces the exclusive nature of the covenant relationship.

Spiritual Cleaving

Perhaps the deepest form of cleaving happens spiritually—when two people unite in purpose and calling. This includes:

Shared Faith

When both spouses are committed to following Christ, they have a shared foundation that anchors the relationship. They can pray together, study Scripture together, and encourage each other's spiritual growth.

Common Purpose

Beyond individual goals, covenant couples discover a shared mission. They ask, "What has God called us to do together?" This shared purpose creates unity and provides direction.

Spiritual Leadership

In covenant marriage, both spouses lead spiritually—not through hierarchy, but through mutual service. They challenge each other to grow, hold each other accountable, and point each other to Christ.

Overcoming Obstacles to Cleaving

Several obstacles can prevent true cleaving:

Unrealistic Expectations

If you expect your spouse to meet all your needs, you'll be disappointed. Only God can fully satisfy. Understanding this frees you to love your spouse without demanding they complete you.

Unresolved Conflict

Unaddressed hurts create distance. Regular, healthy conflict resolution is essential for maintaining connection. Don't let small issues accumulate into major barriers.

Distractions

Life is busy. Work, children, responsibilities, and even good things can pull you apart. Intentional time together—dates, conversations, shared activities—keeps you cleaving even when life gets hectic.

Selfishness

Self-centeredness is the enemy of cleaving. When you prioritize your own comfort, preferences, or desires over the relationship, cleaving becomes impossible. Daily dying to self is required.

Practical Steps for Cleaving

Building a covenant marriage requires intentional action:

Daily Connection

Create small rituals of connection: morning coffee together, evening walks, bedtime conversations. These consistent touchpoints maintain emotional connection even during busy seasons.

Regular Communication

Don't assume your spouse knows how you feel or what you need. Communicate clearly, kindly, and regularly. Share your struggles, celebrate victories, and discuss everything from daily logistics to deep dreams.

Conflict Resolution

Develop healthy ways to address disagreements. Learn each other's conflict styles. Agree on ground rules: no name-calling, no stonewalling, no walking away. Commit to working through issues rather than avoiding them.

Shared Activities

Find activities you both enjoy and make time for them regularly. These shared experiences create positive memories and reinforce your bond.

Prayer Together

Praying as a couple invites God into your relationship. It aligns your hearts, creates vulnerability, and reminds you that your marriage is part of something larger.

Seek Help When Needed

Sometimes cleaving requires outside help. Don't hesitate to seek counseling when facing significant challenges. Asking for help is wisdom, not weakness.

**The Long View**

Cleaving is a long-term commitment. There will be seasons when feelings are strong and cleaving feels natural. There will be seasons when it requires significant effort. Both are normal.

The key is remembering your covenant. You're not cleaving because you always feel like it. You're cleaving because you've committed to it, and because this covenant reflects God's unbreakable love for His people.

The Beauty of Covenant

A marriage marked by true cleaving becomes something beautiful—a relationship that:

- Provides safety in an uncertain world

- Models God's faithfulness

- Creates a foundation for raising children

- Demonstrates love that goes beyond feelings

- Inspires others toward covenant commitment

This kind of marriage doesn't happen by accident. It's built through thousands of daily decisions to cleave, to hold fast, to choose each other again and again.

The work is challenging, but the result is profound: a covenant relationship that honors God, blesses both spouses, and stands as a testimony to the power of committed love.

When you cleave to your spouse, you're not just holding onto another person—you're holding fast to a vision of marriage that reflects something eternal. You're participating in a covenant that points to the ultimate covenant between Christ and His Church.

This is what cleaving means. This is what covenant marriage looks like. This is what you're building together, one day at a time, one choice at a time.