The Spiritual Foundation: Leaving Self-Centered Living

Marriage, at its core, is a spiritual covenant. Before we can truly cleave to another person and become one, we must first leave behind self-centered living. This leaving isn't just about changing behaviors—it's about a fundamental shift in identity and purpose, moving from "me" to "we" and ultimately to "Thy will be done."

The Call to Die to Self

Jesus was clear: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me" (Matthew 16:24). This principle applies profoundly to marriage. Successful covenant relationships require dying to selfish desires, preferences, and agendas.

This doesn't mean losing your identity or becoming a doormat. It means reorienting your life around God's purposes and prioritizing the covenant relationship He's entrusted to you. It's trading temporary satisfaction for eternal significance.

Understanding Self-Centered Living

Self-centered living manifests in countless ways:

- Making decisions based solely on personal preferences

- Prioritizing individual goals over shared vision

- Seeking to control outcomes to ensure personal comfort

- Resisting compromise because "I know what I want"

- Viewing the spouse's needs as obstacles to personal happiness

- Protecting personal interests at the expense of the relationship

None of us escapes these tendencies entirely. We're all recovering from self-centeredness. The question isn't whether we struggle with it, but whether we're aware of it and actively working to overcome it.

The Spiritual Dimension

Marriage is fundamentally spiritual because it reflects the relationship between Christ and the Church. Ephesians 5 reveals this mystery: husbands are called to love sacrificially like Christ, and wives are called to respect and submit as the Church does to Christ. This isn't about power—it's about mutual sacrifice and service.

When we approach marriage with a self-centered mindset, we miss this deeper purpose. We reduce marriage to personal fulfillment rather than seeing it as a vehicle for spiritual growth and a testimony of God's love.

The Process of Leaving Self

Leaving self-centered living is a daily decision, not a one-time event. It requires:

Daily Surrender

Each morning, surrender your agenda, your plans, and your preferences to God. Invite Him to direct your day and your interactions with your spouse. This simple act of surrender shifts your focus from what you want to what God wants.

Humility

Pride is the enemy of leaving self. It convinces us that our way is best, our perspective is correct, and our needs matter most. Humility recognizes that we don't have all the answers, that we need our spouse, and that God's wisdom surpasses our own.

Practice humility by:

- Asking for your spouse's perspective before making decisions

- Admitting when you're wrong

- Learning from your spouse

- Seeking God's wisdom together

Service

Jesus demonstrated that leadership means service. In marriage, love is proven through action. Look for ways to serve your spouse daily—not to earn love, but because you are loved.

Service might mean:

- Taking on a chore your spouse dislikes

- Adjusting your schedule to accommodate their needs

- Listening when you'd rather be talking

- Supporting their dreams even when it requires sacrifice

Generosity

Self-centeredness is marked by scarcity thinking—fear that giving will leave you with less. Generosity operates from abundance, trusting that God will provide and that giving creates more space for blessing.

Be generous with:

- Time spent together

- Forgiveness extended

- Grace offered

- Resources shared

- Affection shown

## Spiritual Practices for Marriage

Certain spiritual disciplines specifically strengthen marriage:

Prayer Together

Praying as a couple builds unity like nothing else. It creates space for vulnerability, invites God into your relationship, and aligns your hearts with His purposes. Start small—brief prayers before meals or bedtime. Over time, you'll develop deeper patterns of shared prayer.

Scripture Study

Studying God's Word together provides shared truth to build your relationship on. Discuss what you're learning. Apply biblical principles to your marriage. Let Scripture shape your understanding of love, forgiveness, and commitment.

Corporate Worship

Worshipping together connects you to the broader body of Christ and reminds you that your marriage exists within a larger story. Regular church attendance and participation in community strengthens your spiritual foundation.

Spiritual Mentorship

Learn from couples further along in the journey. Seek out mentors who model covenant marriage well. Their wisdom and example provide guidance and encouragement.

The Fruit of Leaving Self

When we leave self-centered living, beautiful things emerge:

Deeper Intimacy

Self-centeredness creates distance. Service and sacrifice create connection. As you prioritize your spouse's wellbeing, you'll experience deeper emotional and spiritual intimacy.

Greater Joy

Paradoxically, focusing less on your own happiness often leads to greater joy. There's profound satisfaction in loving sacrificially, in seeing your spouse thrive, in building something together that's bigger than either of you.

Spiritual Growth

Marriage has a unique way of revealing our need for God. As we struggle to love well, we're driven to depend on Him more. This dependency produces spiritual maturity.

Kingdom Impact

A marriage marked by mutual sacrifice and service becomes a light in a dark world. It demonstrates God's love in a way that words alone cannot. Your covenant relationship can impact others for eternity.

The Challenge of Daily Living

Leaving self-centered living is easy to understand but difficult to practice. You'll fail often. You'll catch yourself being selfish. You'll have to choose again and again to die to self.

This is where grace becomes essential. Extend grace to yourself when you stumble. Extend grace to your spouse when they do. Remember that perfection isn't the goal—faithfulness is.

A New Identity

As you leave self-centered living, you're not losing yourself—you're finding a better version of yourself. You're discovering who God created you to be: a person marked by love, service, and purpose.

In marriage, two people who have left self-centered living become something beautiful together. They create a relationship that honors God, blesses each other, and impacts the world.

This spiritual foundation—this leaving of self—is what makes everything else possible. It's what allows you to truly cleave to your spouse and become one in purpose and calling.

The journey requires everything you have, but it offers everything you need: purpose, intimacy, growth, and the opportunity to reflect God's love in one of the most profound ways possible.